Swordsman's Dilemma
by Raphael Fitchburne
Summary: Zoro decides to make a move at Robin. But because he is not used to these things, Robin misunderstands his intentions. He has to sort things out before Robin genuinely hates him.


The Only Chapter

"Here's your blue squid." Zoro put the human-sized squid down on the floor. The floor could be seen through its transparent body. He was in the kitchen together with Sanji. "I'll tear you to pieces if you mess this up."

"Sure, sure. I'll set a very romantic dinner for you. Don't worry. But I need some help from you, okay?" Sanji said.

"What help do you need?"

"Just a little courage."

"Who will I fight against?"

"Calm down. I don't mean that kind of courage. I mean…"

Robin came into the kitchen. Both of them turned their heads towards the attractive historian.

"Hello, Cook-san, Swordsman-san," she said. She went to the cabinets and began making herself a cup of coffee. Once finished, she approached the table, pulled a chair under it, and sat down. "It's rare to see you coming in here, Swordsman-san."

Zoro blushed. "Ano…it's just a…" He glanced at Sanji. The cook replied with a go-for-it nod. "Ano…Robin…it's just…could you…" He began pumping one of his swords in and out its sheath. "C-could you…"

The movement caught Robin's attention. She smiled. "Don't be nervous. I'll not eat you."

"It's just…"

"What is it?"

"You know…" He looked up at her, the sheath getting hotter by the second from his pumping. "The thing a woman and a man do…you know what I mean…they go to a private place, spend some time together…"

"You mean the adult stuff?"

"If that's what it is. I'm not really experienced with these things."

Sanji's eyes grew big in alarm. He tried to warn Zoro with them to stop and do not say misleading things. Zoro wasn't even looking at him. Zoro had a smile on his face, anticipating Robin's reply.

"Are you really sure you want to do it with me?" Robin's smile had already faded.

"Yes. I want it to be with you!"

Robin stood up and slapped him. "We will soon dock. Dogs are everywhere and are very cheap nowadays. You can do it with them." She walked out the kitchen with fast strides.

Zoro turned to Sanji with inquiring eyes. Sanji smacked his forehead and shook his head. He chuckled.

"Did I do something wrong?" Zoro asked.

"Everything."

"What? How come?"

"You should have told her directly."

"Didn't I tell her? I said I wanted to spend some time alone with her."

"Didn't she ask you if you meant the adult stuff?"

"Dating is adult stuff, isn't it?"

Sanji laughed.

Zoro collared him. "Tell me this minute or I slice your throat!"

"Relax. Girls don't like violent men." Zoro glared at him for a moment and then let go. "Take a seat and calm down. Now I ask you. Why couldn't you tell her directly?"

"I told you…" Zoro saw Sanji cocked his curly eyebrow. "All right." He sighed. "I'm nervous. And don't laugh!"

"I won't laugh. I know how hard it is."

"It was there. I had it on the tip of my tongue, but the thought that she would refuse me made me unsure."

"That's where you need the courage I was talking about." Sanji got a knife and looked closely at its edge. "The best thing you can do now is get some fresh air and think. I have to finish this baby up by lunch."

With sagging shoulders, Zoro went out of the room.

Sanji turned on the squid. _Oh, yeah, _he thought, _blue squids are infamous for their mysterious secretion that can make capillaries expand and make the skin red._ He reached out and touched the squid. A thick secretion stuck on his palm. He dabbed it on his cheek. _It doesn't itch. This is very useful for pranks._ He went to the mirror on the wall and inspected his cheek. It was red. He smiled. He went back and began cutting the head of the squid.

Coming out the bridge, Nami saw Robin walked out from the kitchen. "Good morning, Robin!" Robin didn't react. _What's wrong with her? She looks angry._ She climbed down the stairs and chased after Robin. "Robin! Hey!"

Robin stopped and looked at her. "Navigator-san."

"What's wrong?"

Robin raised an eyebrow. "Nothing. Why do you ask?"

"It looks like it."

Robin stared at her. She waited for Robin's reply. "Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't hear you. I was thinking about the novel I've been reading."

Nami frowned a little, uncertain if she would accept Robin's answer. "Well, okay."

"Do you need me for something?"

"No, no. Have you eaten breakfast yet?"

Robin's eyebrow twitched. Nami saw it. "Yes."

"All right. See you later, then," Nami said.

"I'll be in my room if you need me." Robin turned and started walking away.

Nami went to the kitchen. Inside, she saw Sanji cutting a transparent squid up while humming a song, smoking, and taking small sips of coffee from the cup on the counter.

"Good morning," Nami said

Sanji turned his head to her. "Oh, hi, Nami-swan! You didn't come down for breakfast and I'm sure you're hungry. What do you want?"

"Sunny-side up, bacon, coffee, a cup of…" She noticed the red, hand-shaped blotch on his cheek. Her eyes widened in realization. She stood up. "So it's you!"

"What is?"

"You pervert!" She lunged and sent a straight punch to his nose.

Sanji dropped the knife and crouched. "Ouch! My nose!"

"You felt her up, didn't you? Or said something that made her mad?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Robin just came from here. I could tell from a single glance that you did something that upset her."

"It's not me. She just misunderstood what Zoro was trying to ask her."

"Zoro? Where is that bastard?" Nami turned around and began marching for the door.

Sanji tried to grab her hand, but his hand landed on her buttock. He blanched. Nami cast him a deadly stare. She kicked him in the crotch. Sanji yelped and went to his knees. "Hmph!" She went on out.

"Zoro! Show yourself, you bastard!"

Zoro craned his head from the upper deck. "What is it?"

Nami saw the slap mark on his right cheek. "You!"

Zoro frowned. "What's wrong?"

"What did you do to Robin?" She climbed up to the upper deck and faced him.

Zoro's face turned white. Sweat broke out from his forehead. "I can explain. I didn't mean to…"

"So it's you!" Nami put out her weather pole—folded to portable size—tucked at her waist. She jerked her hand and the pole extended to full size.

"Nami, put that down! Let me explain!"

She screamed and dashed toward him, the pole high over her head. "Die!" A hand grabbed her wrists.

"Stop!" Sanji said. "I'll tell you what really happened!"

"Let go!" Nami kicked his foot. His hands let go of her wrists. With a fast motion, she swiped her weather pole into his face. He tumbled and ended up hitting the mast, tears on his eyes. "Now, it's your turn—" She cut herself, looking around. She ran to the railing and looked down. She saw Zoro disappear into a corner. "Zoro! Don't let me catch you!"

Luffy and Usopp were hanging out inside the latter's room. They had fish bones in their mouths. Luffy had his hand over his bulging stomach while Usopp lay down on his hands behind his head. The wind blew in from the open door. Zoro passed by them. They didn't see him.

"Do you think Zoro is a pervert, too?" Luffy asked.

Zoro heard this and stopped. He put his back against the wall and leaned in to listen.

"What do you think?" Usopp replied.

"I don't know. That's why I'm asking."

"Hmmm, let me think. Pervert, pervert, pervert…um, I think there's a possibility."

"Why do you think so?"

"Look, he is quiet and mysterious, he doesn't want to tell what he likes and what he dislikes, he always gets angry when he is connected to a girl, and his head is green."

"So?"

"So, the first two mean he is hiding something, the second, he wants girls to think he dislikes them, and the third, nothing will grow from a green mind but green hair."

Luffy hammered his right hand on his left palm. "Now I get it! So he is a pervert, too!"

"Absolutely!"

Zoro showed himself, eyes cold as ice, veins thumping hard on his temples. "I think I'm hearing things from here. Did you hear something, Luffy, Usopp?

"We concluded that you're a perv—"

Usopp covered Luffy's mouth. "He means per…per…" Usopp gulped. He was shivering.

"Per…what?" Zoro said.

Luffy took away Usopp's hand and said, "Pervert!"

"Aaaaah!" Usopp stood up and held out his palms in front of Zoro. "It's perfect! It's perfect, Zoro! You're a perfect swordsman!" He let out a forced smirk. "Don't listen to this idiot!"

"Hey, Usopp was telling me why you are a pervert. What were they? Usopp tell him."

Usopp swallowed.

"So, Usopp, could you _please_ tell me?" Zoro said, crossing his arms over his chest.

"It's like this…" Usopp took a step back. "Listen…" He licked his lips.

Zoro raised both his eyebrows. "Hmmm?"

Suddenly, Usopp hit Luffy's head. "Baka! You've grown that big without knowing what it means? Perfect is a word used to describe…"

"Don't change the subject, Usopp," Zoro said.

"Of course, not! What is happening to me? I'm an idiot." He giggled in nervousness.

Zoro tapped his right bicep with the fingers of his left hand.

"Right! We should not be talking like this at a time like this because this is a dangerous situation because this swordsman will definitely kill these two handsome pirates sailing on this ship!" The wind came blowing into the room. "Did I say 'this' too many times?"

"Six," Luffy said. "You said it six times."

Usopp checked by counting with his fingers as well. "Baka! There were only five!"

"I heard six! Six!"

"Five!"

"Oh, you wanna bet?" Luffy confidently smiled.

"What's the stakes?"

"I'll have your share of meat for one week!"

"All right! And if I win, yours is mine!"

"Okay! You said we should not be talking like this…one, at a time like this…two, because this…three, is a dangerous situation where this…four, swordsman will definitely kill these two handsome pirates sailing on this…five, ship!"

Usopp grinned triumphantly. "See? See? I won!"

Luffy grinned. "Don't forget the last one."

"Last one?"

"You asked." He cleared his throat. "Did I say 'this' too many times?' And that is sixth."

"It's not included! That's not what I was pertaining to!"

"What said is said."

"Don't ignore me!" Zoro said. "If you don't stop now and tell me straight out, I'll kill both of you!"

"Zoro is a total pervert!" Luffy said. "It's your turn, Usopp."

"No, no! It's not like that. We're…we're just concerned about you." Usopp's eyes reflected fake sympathy. "We were just talking about how there's a possibility that you're slowly becoming a pervert without realizing it because you stick with Sanji too much."

Zoro frowned. "That so?"

"He said that your hair is green because your mind is," Luffy said.

Usopp gaped at Luffy. Then, he jerked his head back to Zoro.

Zoro unsheathed two of his swords. He grinned like a demon. "Let's see what is prettier. Green." He stared ominously at Usopp. "Or red."

Usopp squealed. Seeing no other exit, he jumped through the window, screaming, "Luffy, I'll get you for this!"

Zoro chased after him. Luffy laughed his head off.

Chopper found Sanji lying on the deck, unconscious. He noticed that Sanji's face was wet with sweat, his right hand resting on his crotch. Chopper ran around and around the deck. "Doctor! Doctor! Where the hell is the doctor?" He stopped. "Wait. Isn't it that I'm the doctor?" He inhaled a lungful of air. He went to Sanji. He held Sanji's wrist and timed his pulse. He leaned on his chest and listened to his heart. Now, he took Sanji's hand away from his crotch and poked the area. Sanji grimaced.

"The first thing that I should do is to decrease the pain. Right. Ice." Chopper went to get some ice from the kitchen. When he came back, he was carrying a small ice bag. He put it over Sanji's crotch. Sanji stirred and opened his eyes.

"Chopper, what are you doing?"

"Aaaaah!" Chopper screamed. He tried to stand up. Unfortunately, he tripped over Sanji's leg. He fell forward, his hoof landing on Sanji's testicles.

Sanji bolted up in pain, his eyes rolling up. As he hit the floor, he said something in a faint, almost ghostly voice—ouch. Then he fainted.

"Zoro!" Nami stomped her way back to the deck, still holding her weather pole. "Where are you, you son of a bitch? Come out, now!"

"Help me! Someone! I still want to see Kaya and my father!" Usopp cried. Zoro was on his tail.

Nami turned to them. She saw Zoro. "So, there you are, you pervert!" Her voice brought them to a halt.

"Nami!" Usopp sounded relieved.

"Uh-oh," Zoro said.

Nami started toward them. "I'll not let you escape this time. After what you've done to Robin, I swear I'll get you!"

Usopp turned to Zoro. "You raped Robin?"

Zoro's eyes bulged. "I didn't rape her!"

"I can't believe this! Robin is our precious nakama! I don't want to see her hurt!" He pointed a finger at Zoro. "Marry her!"

"What?"

"Stop this nonsense! No marriage will happen on this ship!" Nami said.

"Would you please let me explain?" Zoro said.

"You'll gonna pay, you pervert!"

"Shit!" Zoro jumped off the deck. Nami followed him.

Usopp sighed. _I thought I was a goner,_ he thought.

…

"Zoro is a pervert, an absolute pervert, the only pervert among swordsmen, yoohoo," Luffy sang as he walked towards the kitchen. "I don't like to be like him, Usopp will possibly be like him, and Sanji is like him, but how about Chopper? Maybe Chopper will not…yoohoo!" He reached the kitchen. "Oi, Sanji, is there anything to eat?" Nobody answered. "Sanji, where are you?" He entered in. He saw Sanji lying in a futon on the floor. "Oi, Sanji, could you please cook me some food?" He shook Sanji's shoulder. "I want grilled pork with onion gravy. Hey, Sanji, are you listening?" Still, Sanji didn't wake up. He looked him over. He noticed a kind of device in his crotch. "What is this thing?" It was a steel clip-like device that Chopper had put on Sanji's balls to help protect them from further damage. Luffy's eyes sparkled. "This looks cool."

Sanji stirred when Luffy began tugging at the device.

"Luffy…what are you doing?" Sanji pushed himself up on his elbows. "Are you—ah!" His right elbow buckled and he saw fake stars in the air. "My, my, oh, my." He lost consciousness again.

"Wow, this thing is pretty heavy," Luffy said as he inspected the device he had just pulled free from Sanji's crotch. He stood up and started towards the door, squeezing the device open and letting it snap close again.

Behind him, Sanji weakly opened his eyes. He tried to stand up, but he couldn't feel his legs. He grew cold. "What the…"

Outside, as Luffy walked away with the metal device, something long hit his hat and took it away from his head. It was Nami's weather pole. A protruding nail on the wall snagged his hat. It made a large hole on the hat. The weather pole fell on the ground as the nail took away its momentum.

"Oh, no," Luffy said. He threw away the steel device. It went flying and hit Sanji in the head. Sanji's pupils crossed and he fell back on the futon, unconscious. Luffy went running for his hat.

Zoro, on the other hand, ran into a room that he didn't know whom. He immediately closed the door and turned the lock close. "Damn! Nami is very dangerous when angry. I can't understand how Arlong managed to abuse Kokoyashi village with a monster like her in his ranks."

"Zoro?"

His heart raced after hearing the voice. He gulped loudly as he began turning around.

"What are you doing here?" Robin said. She was seated on her bed, a book on her lap.

"No, no, you're mistaken! I'm not gonna do anything to you. I'm sorry I barged in uninvited."

Robin frowned. She stood up and crossed her arms, ready to attack with her _Hana Hana no Mi_ powers. "You locked the door. If you're going to force yourself on me, I'm prepared to fight no matter how strong you are."

"Don't misunderstand this. Nami was chasing me because she believes I did something to you, something unacceptable. And the thing that I said this morning, it's not what you think." He drew in some air and then exhaled. "I was just trying to ask you out on a date."

"A date?"

"Yes. Because…because I like you!"

She gasped. "You like me?"

"Yes. I like you. Please believe me."

Outside, Nami was still searching for Zoro. She found Luffy kneeling in front of something. "Luffy, did you see...? Luffy?" She stood behind him and peered over his shoulder.

"My hat. Look, it's damaged."

"Oh, my. What happened?" She recognized her weather pole on the floor. She covered her mouth with one hand. "My pole."

Luffy stiffened. "Your pole?"

Nami stepped back. "I didn't mean to…I'm sorry."

Luffy stood up and faced Nami. "Why did you throw it?" He started towards her.

She stepped back. Luffy walked onwards.

"Why did you throw it?" He glared at her. "You know how important my hat is to me."

"I was aiming for Zoro. I didn't know I'd hit your hat." She felt the wall touch her back. She had nowhere to go now. Luffy had smothered her.

Luffy slammed his hands on the wall, confining Nami's head between his arms. "Everything should be paid, and I know how you should pay me."

Nami's heart began to beat fast as Luffy' face closed in. She looked away, blushing, and close her eyes shut. "I know what you're thinking."

"Oh, really?"

Nami looked at him with determination. "All right. I admit and I apologize. But, it's not right—"

"This hat is very important. Apology won't change anything." He moved his face closer to hers. She could smell his breath.

She gulped. She looked down. "O-okay. In my room. Let's do it in my room."

"What's wrong in doing it here? It's bright in here. I can see you. You can see me."

"Because doing it here is embarrassing, you idiot!"

"Is this the first time you'll be doing it?"

"Yes, it is!" Tears welled up on her eyes. "And I only consent because I like you!"

Luffy frowned. "You like me? What are you saying?"

"Yes, I like you. And I know that that confidence of yours is coming from the knowledge that I've liked you ever since you saved me from Arlong. I don't know who told you, but I won't deny it. Now, if we'll be doing something intimate like sleeping together, let's do it in private."

"What? I just want to give these to you." He handed her a roll of thread and a needle. "I always make sure to carry these with me in case that something like this will happen. That's why I'm telling you that we don't need to go to your room. Now, start." He crossed his arms and sat on the floor. "I want it to look like new."

Nami snatched the thread and needle from his hand. "You better not tell what I told you to anyone."

"What will I tell? You spoke nonsense. I didn't understand a thing."

Nami heaved and shouted, "Idioooooot!"

…

"You said you like me," Robin said.

"Yes. I'm sorry. I'm not good at these things. I misled you with my words."

"Nobody has ever told me that before. Why do you like me?"

He drew in some air. "You're pretty, you're matured, you're intelligent, you're…I can't explain it. It just occurred to me one day. One morning when I woke up, I wanted to be with you, to see you always, to have your attention."

"I'm a new member of the Straw Hats. I can't believe you'd fall for me."

"I just did. It's still a mystery to me, but I did. The only thing I know, I can't fight it."

Robin just stared at him.

Zoro stepped back to the door and turned the lock open. "I'm sorry. I know I need more experience before I become worthy of you, but I won't give up. I'm sorry." He opened the door and was about to go out when Robin spoke.

"Zoro-kun," She said. Not Swordsman-san. Zoro-kun. She approached him and held his hand. "I'll tell you the truth. I'm still wary of you. For now, I can only trust one man and that is the Captain. If you really like me, show me. Telling me will do no good. I want you to show me how true you are to your feelings. I'm sorry, but I can't go out on a date with you. I don't want to force myself in doing something I'm not certain about. You, too, don't want that, right? Before anything else, earn my respect. And one thing more. Here's a little secret for you. I'm easy to please."

"I'll remember that."

She leaned and kissed him on the lips. "That's for your courage."

Zoro was smiling as he pulled the door close. He spread his arms and shouted, "Nami, I'm here! Come and get me!"

…

A swell passed beneath the Goin' Merry. It rocked the caravel. Since Sanji lay sleeping most of the time on that day, the cabinets were not properly tended and not one was locked. When the swell came, kitchen utensils went sliding from the cabinets. They fell everywhere. Everything dropped far from Sanji except one. The pestle he kept in the innermost part of the center cabinet slid and fell—this was the fifth time—onto his balls.

The End

Author: Hello, this is my first one shot. I revised it.


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